SecondHandSaintsblog

you said so many little things

you didn’t really mean.

and made so many

promises you never

intended to keep.

i always knew that if i just

opened the door a little,

you would take it as

your chance to leave.

but don’t worry, i am not

going to hold you back.

i am not going

to make you stay

and be true to the words

you used to say.

you told so many little lies

to make things easier

for yourself.

but in the end,

those lies are always

harder than the truth.

no, this time i am not

going to stop you.

rather, i am going to just

watch you gather

your things and go

and then when you’ve

packed up and left,

i’ll work on mending

this brokenness

in my chest.

one goodbye

was just not good enough.

so i had to drag it through,

and be drug through

this series of long goodbyes

that causes me to crumble

and lose a bit of myself each

time i do.

the rainy days are hardest

when the windows are

so fogged with mist,

missed….missing…u.

the aching,

it starts over and anew.

but I have made myself

a promise,

this will be my last

goodbye to you.

i can’t keep losing myself

the way I do,

over something

like this,

over someone like you.

Miles stretching as far as the eye can see, 

And breezes traveling from across distant lands, not only can we see, but also hear

the wind rushing through the valley,

up over and around each bend,

the wind speaks.

Climbing the steep inclines,

we buckled down 

and dug deep inside our core, and also in the dirt on the climb up.

The path riddled with rocks

and roots.

sometimes struggling to keep our eyes off our feet.

Look up!

God is is the blue, blue sky, the mist of clouds that roll

And settle in,

above me the heavens. implore me to think about them, 

to lose myself in dreams.

stop, and see stoney faces carved by the very hand of God, chiseled by the years and wearing of winds that God blows.

And yet, He whispers to me,

In the buzz of the bees… Hopping from flower to flower.

Splashes of vibrant colors..violets and yellows.

Purple for the Passion of the Lord,

Yellow for the hope of His Body rising from the grave.

On top of the world,

Looking down…the immensity is overwhelming and catches our breathe….

Thank you Lord for this day, this moment of time to sit here, 

in Your silence, as the wind blows, and bees buzz close whispering of Your love 

Delicately into our ears. 

arriving here so close to You

in the Eucharist

I sense that fire

which burns within You.

The fire burning,

that calls to me,

“Draw near…”

In my human weakness

I am afraid

I see my faults,

my failings…

they are closer to me

than are You,

Oh Lord.

Closer…beating…pulsing

inside my heart,

woven into my very being

by my own hands.

Oh Lord, I see the Fire within You,

I want to say

“Consume me Lord! Consume me.”

Help me to see past my sinfulness.

Help me, Oh Lord, to draw near,

to pull in tight and unite my sinful

heart to Your Sacred Heart,

burning like the purifying fire

that will rid my soul of all stain of sin.

all the vices I have clothed my being in.

Help me, Oh Lord, to draw near,

and be consumed by Your powerful,

never failing, Merciful Love.

Amen.

i find that i am no longer looking for you 

everywhere i go.

i have gotten used to the quiet solitude of

praying without your voice in sync with mine.

 and that special dialect of your tongue,

is foreign once again.

It feels like it is all behind me now, 

in the past.

that stabbing pain of missing,

has numbed,

not totally gone and forgotten…

but numb.

i didn’t think these days would come,

But here we are, 

with miles and months

stretching between us….

i can look back and see things differently.

Closeness does that sometimes,

doesn’t it? 

It blurs the view and

makes one see things

that were never really there.

i don’t expect that my words should amount to much.

after all, without the appropriate

actions to match them,

they are just empty

vessels floating on the waves

of this raging sea.

out of control and

without direction,

they contain no viable substance…

no signs of future life,

they are merely

wasted, whispered promises,

words, without value or worth.

Sometimes, this pain not only consumes me, but pushes me further into unknown depths.

a place where the ground falls far beneath my feet and

i find myself standing on thawing ice, just as it is beginning to crack.

i want to run, but instinctively know that i can’t move forward, and dare not move back.

praying to God, i calm my heart and still my breath, putting my trust in something far greater than myself. 

when Christ does come to me, He is not the Resurrected Lord,. returning in all His Glory,

instead, He meets me in my broken state as the Agonizing Lord, bruised, bloodied and beaten, His hands and feet still nailed to the Cross.

with a Face most men shun and turn away from… He hangs over me, His body bent, but ever close.

all He asks is that i freely give my love, and comfort Him in His pain…

He asks me to kiss His wounds, even though i know that it was my sins that ripped His flesh.

He asks me to love Him in a way that i have never Loved before, to Love Him in His brokenness. His body still writhe in agony, His body still wracked with pain.

it is all i can do to stand there, trying in vain, to pull myself together, tears falling from my eyes like rain.

i begin to kiss His feet, His outstretched Hands…. His Bloodied Face. i am both overwhelmed and consumed, by His embrace.

Blood mixed with Water gushes forth from His Side… His Mercy washes over me,. though i feel not worthy of such forgiveness, with His grace i am restored. i am filled with peace…. Christ’s Peace. and i realize, that no longer burdened with my sinfulness, i am no longer waiting for the ice to break.

i do not wish to hurt you, friend.

i wish that i could just love you and

that you would love me, honestly, without holding back.

but underneath the surface there is a past,

a hurt that we have pushed aside

but without forgiveness it is not erased.

there it sits, gleaning our life as it’s own.

it grows with the grumblings of pain and

angry words,

which do nothing but erode the friendship

we once had and guarded so close.

what happened to us that we have become

so jaded and unwilling to trust?

i know enough to know

that there is no ever going back,

and that the path ahead is forward facing

from here on out,

but sometimes i begin to think

like a child, throwing copper pennies

into the pond, and wishing we could go

back to those sweeter days before such

bitterness had time to hatch.