SecondHandSaintsblog

why do we keep

searching for

something new,

something that will

fill us with the sense

of belonging and

being loved?

why can’t we see the

reality of God?

He is in the flowers, the trees,

the gentle breeze.

and the warm embrace of a

summer’s evening…

in our searching to fill that

empty spot,

we must be careful,

to remember that our love,

our devotion,

does not belong to

these created things.

But to the God Who made them.

He is the Creator of everything…

He is a loving Father to us all.

time softens the sharp

edge of the lies,

and how they cut

through the layers

of our friendship

and trust.

time softens the pain of

heartbreak and

ache.

time softens the blow

of angry words that

leapt and exploded

past your clenched teeth

and tongue.

time has its way

of softening all of

these things,

but it cannot change

what is false, to be true.

no matter which God

you swear your oath upon.

and that my dear,

will forever keep me,

from running back to you.

the lonely moon shall

be my only comfort

on these nights

when the chirping

of a lovesick cricket,

resounds a bit too

close to the beating

of my heart,

or when the cooing of a

lonesome dove

sounds more like

sighs and weeping.

it is the misty eye missing,

of something never

meant to be.

as daybreaks on

droplets of morning dew,

i watch the moon light

fade into

the rising sun,

and the way it reflects

the day’s new dawn.

there is a burning

away of midnight’s fog that

had settled all around,

separating us from

one another.

it is these alone

times…

these long hours…

of solitude

that remind me,

that i am not made

for joy in this world…

nor for the comfort

of being surrounded by friends.

hewn out of rock,

not formed from clay,

i am different.

stoic and all alone.

i have been cut from

a different cloth,

i have been chosen

and set aside.

i was made to be alone.

it is not so much the missing you

that stings.

but rather,

it is the missing of those

thoughts i had

of what your friendship

would bring.

i thought

that somehow because

of who you are,

that nothing could go wrong,

and i couldn’t be so bad.

instead of listening

to how the Holy Spirit

spoke to me,

i put too much stock

in omens and dreams.

like others before me,

i was always looking for a sign

that what I was doing was right.

being influenced by you

changed my own spiritual

growth,

and redirected my path.

even though there is

a bitter sweetness to these memories,

i must put away

any emotional ties,

and open my heart to the

Voice of the Lord,

and find my way back

to the journey of

who i was,

and who

i am still called to be.

how often

i had

confused your

outstretched hands

as a gesture of your

need for me.

i thought your words,

of poetry,

were songs my soul

could sing and dare

to dream again.

i thought your

whispered promises

would cradle and comfort

the hurts that

lingered

and remained.

i had convinced

myself

that you were sharing

affection,

when in fact,

you were

just leading me along.

looking back,

through the years

i see the tears,

and the constant

tug of pulling apart.

i see just how

close to the edge

i was spinning.

misreading

so many signals.

seeing love where

there was only pain.

those long stretches

of stoic silence

where you just

stared ahead…

never once looking

into my eyes,

sad reflections

that just longed to gaze

and drink from yours.

i realize now,

there was never a chain

that linked us together,

nor a tether that tied

your heart to mine…

it was simply

one lonely soul

seeking a bit

of solace from

solitude’s smothering

embrace.

i want, Oh Lord,

to allow You

to guide not only my heart,

but also my feet,

and my hands.

i want to allow You

to remove from

my mind

every thought

every word

that is contrary

to Your plan.

i want to allow You

every last bit

of me… all that I am.

my joys and satisfactions.

my anguish and my pains.

Oh Lord, though I try

to transform

it cannot begin,

until I understand

that most of my

‘allowing You’

is really me

tying Your hands.