SecondHandSaintsblog

i have spent

many hours on my knees

pleading with the Lord to

touch my heart so that

i may love as He

wants me to Love.

for without His Divine

inspiration, it is hard

for me to discern when

i am to suffer

through the hurt

and pain of ‘love’ quietly,

but also to know when

i am supposed to turn

away from such kinds of ‘love.’

i have gone great distances

to move the mountains in

search of being loved.

but I have also fled

to far beyond the

grassy plains

where the earth stretches

up to touch the sun.

i have been alone out there

in the open sea of alone-ness

with no one left to hide behind.

time can be brutal because

it waits for no one.

moments merge into memories.

as the years continue

to pile up, i find that though

i am older, i am not much wiser still.

i can do nothing of my own.

Oh Lord, in all this time

of breathing and being alive

i haven’t learned if i am

supposed to stay

or leave all my belongings

behind and run.

unfortunately, it is true,

those who are prone to use

or abuse you

won’t change their behavior

of their own accord,

even if you pack up all

your stuff and go,

they will try to make you

believe they have made

a turn around.

even with tears and weeping,

(but rarely an apology)

they will try to manipulate

the very air you breathe,

especially if they sense you

are moving on.

they will sooth you with

tempered, twisted words.

pulling you close, they tell you

what they know you

want to hear.

this is their power over you.

nothing they say is by chance,

they are meticulous

in what they plan.

remember, they have already

been inside your head,

they know their way around.

there is nothing special in

how they feel about you,

so regardless of what they say,

or how they “sweet talk” you,

everything is done to

further their own plans,

nothing is ever meant for you,

so don’t let your guard down.

you are better off to

just move along

even if it means being gone

and being alone.

the relationship wasn’t what

you needed before,

and they haven’t changed,

the abuse will continue

and the pain that it causes

will remain the same.

all of your tears, and crying will

be done in vain.

remember, you are

worth more than they

ever gave you credit for.

you must keep reminding yourself,

it wasn’t all roses back then,

it was almost always,

mostly thorns.

as human beings

fashioned for love,

i wonder why

we waste

our energy

and efforts

chasing after

loveless relationships

with strangers

who were never

meant for

us to long for.

after so much

of my time

has been consumed

by living in the

company of

chaos and disorder,

i chose rather

to remain quietly

in solitude,

and peace.

it is here

in the Presence

of Eternity,

i have finally

heard the

whisperings

of Truth.

particularly

concerning the

over used cliche

about the

“one that got away.”

surprisingly stark,

it clearly reminds

me to focus on the

only constant

Love Who exists

the wide world over,

and to stop chasing

after those who

were never mine

and never mine

to keep.

Lord, help me to seek

only those things that

are from above.

help my tongue

and mouth to always sing

and speak Your praise.

help my simple mind

to contemplate

Heavenly things,

with the simplicity

of a trusting child.

help me, Oh Lord

to give everything

i am to You,

even all my brokenness,

which is all

that I truly have

of my own.

Help me, oh Lord,

to place myself within

Your embrace

as I contemplate

Your face in

the Eucharist,

help me to close my eyes

to all the small

distractions that tend

to steal away the peace

and time.

Lord, help me,

to live each breath

thinking only of You,

and Your never failing

Love for me.

Oh Lord, help me

to quiet all the

outer and inner

sounds and voices.

Help me to have

the courage of John,

to stay close

and steady,

lovingly listening

for the quiet beating

of the Faithful Father’s

Sacred Heart.

with a pain so tangible,

it sears and burns

through

the flesh and heart.

this emotional tide feels

much like an ocean wave

washing over me,

knocking me off

balance.

it is a struggle

resisting the temptation

of just letting myself go,

and falling face first

into the tide’s pull

towards the deep blue sea.

allowing myself

to be overthrown

by the rushing flow.

though i put up a struggle,

this tendency to sadness

is an anxious resident,

disturbing the peace

that belongs to the soul.

it is only after much prayer

and Eucharistic contemplation,

i’ve come to the

realization that what

the soul is suffering

as loss,

is really the longing

of the heart to

become totally united with

whatever it is that the Lord

created it to be,

even while the rest of my being

is still mustering up to fight.

i know that

i shall be

forever gone,

from that time,

from that place.

as a tear sprang

from my eye,

i touched his arm

and asked him to tell

me what it used to be like.

wiping the tear

off my cheek,

he just shrugged

his shoulders,

turned from me

and walked away.